Emotions

I cannot help who I am and I feel various emotions as situations evolve. I feel annoyed when a person who (I feel) ought to be in touch more frequently simply ignores me. I am likely to be jealous when the same person spends more time with a 'rival' than they do with me.

If I dare to say anything about our relationship being a case of this person merely ticking a box every now and then (birthday, Christmas etc.), I am accused of being passive aggressive: I suppose I get that from my parents. I should, I think, be able to express my feelings for if one cannot express them to family, what is the point of anything?

People can hurt you when they may not mean to do so but the hurt is real. It can develop into resentment.

Religion tells us that we are wicked to feel certain things and jealousy. We're told that jealousy is a fruit of the flesh (Galatians 5:21), an antonym of love (1 Corinthians 13:4), a symptom of pride (1 Timothy 6:4), a catalyst for conflict (James 3:16), and a mark of unbelievers (Romans 1:29).

Well, I'm sorry, but do I not have a right to feel wronged?

Apparently religion helps us to control our feelings. It is an article worth a read.

The Buddha said: ‘All life is suffering’ and most of us past a certain age can only agree. See also what the article says about sorrow.

I don't feel any better really.

The Solitary Organist

As a bit of a loner I suppose I was always destined to play the organ. One has the power to play quietly or very loudly - I would not be a good flautist. I think I enjoy pulling the stops, pressing pistons, combining timbres and colouring the verses of hymns. In short I like to be in control.

Therein lies a problem. During a service I am captive. There are long periods (such as the sermon!) when I do not play anything and I cannot affect what is going on. At those times I am a nobody.

Other than the hymns I play pre- and post-service voluntaries but people talk during those. I understand my playing is not a recital at those times, but it used to be the case that a congregation would gradually hush as service time approached. Indeed they would have been 'trained' to calm themselves and get into the right frame of mind for an hour of devotion and praise. Would you chatter about the weather, the latest supermarket deal or Mrs Onion's rheumatism moments before meeting the Queen? Why do it just before an encounter with God?

An organist is likely to have been brought up as a chorister and to have had certain kinds of training, as well as having learned by example back in the days when things were done differently. Many of us are not happy bunnies and we feel undervalued. Oddly, we do not necessarily seek more money nor do we want folk to be profuse in their verbal thanks. In my case I want people to say nice things about me behind my back. The sad fact is that the treatment we get leads us to suspect that we are not positively discussed, if we are discussed at all, and that many a church would rather have a praise band (that's link is just to a random one)

More organists are turning to YouTube for satisfaction as they 'Can't get no satisfaction' in church. With the advent of digital organs this easy to do: in my youth when the notion was unthinkable as there was no internet!

Even YouTube does not have all the answers because a chap can fail to attract an audience and the necessary views which will make all the effort worthwhile.

I belong to an Organists' Association but it is made of up of - well - other organists and I don't find some of them very attractice people to be around: I'm sure they think the same about me.

So all this comes down to self image. These days unless one is young, brilliant and probably female the world is not going to pay you much attention.

We chaps just have to get used to it. Perhaps I should change religion.

Saturdays

• When I was a young organist, Saturday was the day I went to practise the hymns for church the next day.
• When I was older it was a day when I used to go bellringing, often in the afternoons if there was a  branch meeting
• At university I would go shopping when I had eventually got up and I might even have studied in the afternoon
  
• For much of my life it was the day for a late brunch, a family trip to Tescos, and lots of lesson planning for the week ahead at school
• Often, from 1981 to 2005, I might have a wedding to play for in the summer months
  
• From 2005 to about 2010 it was a school morning (boarding school) until I sacrificed my Thursday half day so give me a whole Saturday off
• From 2015, living alone, it has been a day for household chores

Of the above I miss the practice in church with Molly and Violet doing the flowers. These days I practise at home on my digital organ: I cannot remember when I last did any serious practice on a pipe organ.

I am not feeling very energetic today. I shall not see or talk to anybody. Nobody will phone me.

I need to prepare my music for tomorrow but I shall do so without any enthusiasm.

EDIT: I have looked at tomorrow's hymns and two of them are in lower keys thna I am used to which is annoying. I could put them back into the keys which my fingers 'know' but - happily - they work OK in the new keys. Congregations can strain these days if a tune goes too high.